Contrary to popular opinion, my prolonged lack of online presence is not explained by me being detained.  Rather, I had traveled to a part of the world that completely lacked Internet access, and I proceeded to annihilate the entire population in that region as I firmly believe that anyone who cannot get online does not deserve to live.

Of course, I also firmly believe that nobody deserves to live.

They were very easy to kill as they had no valuable counter-killing resources such as wikipedia or google.  For example, they would often die from merely being shot in the leg as they could not gain access to proper amputation procedures.  Watching my victims writhing in pain, dying slowly during the sunset over a nice single-malt scotch is always quite a pleasure to my senses. 

So I was in a building that was completely contained by an army of some 50 soldiers with machine guns who wanted to take me out.  They were not well skilled, unfortunately for them, as I was able to exploit their occupation entirely by sneaking up behind each one and stabbing him in the back of the head with my knife.  All in all it took me about 20 minutes to evacuate to safety.  Good luck next time!

I thought I lost something that was very important to me. It was a case with papers. A case of papers, I guess you could say. A case with papers. But not a paper case.

Anyway, I was laying down and I was thinking about it and I suddenly realised that when I cleaned my car earlier, the case in question wasn't in the car. It was also not where I usually had it. All desire to sleep vanished in a swift moment and I jumped up getting ready to go outside in the middle of the night to reinspect the trunk of the car and ensure that my memory wasn't failing me. I looked through my room again to make certain that the case wasn't there, and then I put on my boots, hat, and began looking for a sweatshirt. When I found the sweatshirt, I picked it up, and there was the case, underneath it.

I hardly remember what happened next. I think I jumped through my window enraged, shattering the glass and barely taking any time to land before I took off looking for prey. If I didn't know better, I'd say my eyes were emitting a creepy red light which burned any flesh it was directed at. But that's just silly, everyone knows that's not possible. Anyway, I remember a lot more shattering glass and many many screams, and... Well, I found myself soaked wet standing in a fountain that had by then began to circulate the blood of my victims. It was spraying all over, getting into my eyes, making it hard to see. I still managed to notice that some kind of action to be taken against my rampage was on its way from the nearby society, so when I saw the dozen barking dogs running towards me, I angrily screamed on top of my lungs and ran to the nearest building. I don't know how, but I climbed to the roof of the building, I guess by jumping over a set of balconies, and then I made an escape by jumping one building to another, neither the dogs nor the people could keep up with me. By the time I began calming down I was taking a warm shower at my place, watching the drain as blood from my victims and small pieces of shattered glass made their way into the whirlpool of abyss.

It's still winter, so I had to get some crappy plastic and crap to tape the window through which I had jumped. I guess I'll be out looking for replacement glass tomorrow. I think I damaged the frame too.

I met Val Kilmer today. We went on a killing spree. He's pretty good at helping me kill, so I let him live. We killed 268 people together.

This is me driving around and looking for victims.


I have found some victims. I jumped out of the car and killed them.

gg.

I was trying to meditate on who I was going to kill next, when some fat guy fell through my chimney. I inquired about his purpose, and his response was that because of my supposedly bad actions this year it was his intention to exterminate me. I offered him some eggnog and rum, then proceeded to present the raped and predominant arguing theory (especially one that most of you LJ junkies frequently entertain) that everything is "relative." We argued for a while until a few green midgets showed up and began asking him what was taking so long. They began arguing as well, and I switched to another point claiming that punishment was not in the task description of his fictional carreer, to which he angrily responded that it was not fictional, then I told him that Greatfather Winter preceeded him and he's just the commercialised media version, and that got him angrier yet and so eventually I had to shoot him. And the midgets died when he fell on them.

So uh, if his existence held any substantial play in your celebrations, henceforth you guys are going to have to deal with it as simply folklore. If you don't like it, feel free to stop by at my place.

I watched the movie Revolver the other day, and there is a man in the movie who wallhacks in RL. Does anyone know where I can get the patch to be able to do that? It would save me a lot of trouble of having to pry doors open, break through windows, chase people and try to find the hiding victims.

I decided that I was going to go on a road trip and kill all of the people who have me added on LJ here. I thought I would do it in alphabetical order, so I got into my car and began driving towards Washington. Unfortunately, I ran out of gasoline five minutes later. I looked to my right, and there was a school play yard and they were having a watermelon fest of some sort. So I angrily came out of the car, slammed the door, and went up to their large pile of watermelons. I then proceeded to pick up the watermelons one by one, and toss them with incredible ogre strength at the heads of the obnoxious students who thought that it would be a good idea to indulge themselves in fruit at such an unfortunate time when such an uncomfortable calamity occured to me which caused me to run out of gas, thus ruining my killing plans.

Needless to say, I caused many concussions and fatal injuries. The few kids that were good at running I captured, tied them to a set of ropes which I attached to my car and told them to haul me to the next gas station. Inconveniently for them, that station was five miles ahead. (One of the kids said that there was one about a hundred feet in the opposite direction, but then I shot him in the head and the remaining kids had to drag his body along with my car for five miles.) They began whimpering after about three miles, so I put the emergency brake on and told them to continue.

Anyway, when I got to the gas station, I killed the kids, filled the tank, and killed the clerks and any meddling witnesses.

I went to a bukkake party earlier. There were many bukkakers. I ended up killing them all though.

Well, it's time for me to pack and move out again. I've finally killed everyone in this town, so it's difficult to get people to cook for me and crap. You may be asking, "aren't you going to eventually starve if you plan on killing everyone?" Well, no. I'm not. There are two reasons.

1.) There are so damn many of you, I probably won't get around to killing all of you before my time ends. I've been trying extra hard, hence the lack of updates, and all I got done was this pathetic town.
2.) If I finally do kill everyone, I can continue my life as a farmer. I will probably have a goat for a friend and live on a mountain.

Anyway, the item with which I killed the last person here was a hairdryer. I'll let you use your imagination. Trust me, whatever you think of, I've probably done it. I had about a year of my life where I used only hairdryers to kill.

I framed a bunch of people in Texas and most of them have been executed.

I was trying to have a reflecting walk in the park when I saw some kid sitting in a tree. Realising that he was retarded upon a closer inspection, I walked up to the tree and yelled at him like I was crazy. He got scared and fell off landing on his head and dying. I thanked the trees and left.

I love nature.

Who will be the next victim?

What will the weapon be?

Bare hands? ...

I just... I don't... I don't know...

I called some guy a bitch today, and then I punched him in the face until he bled and ultimately died.

I finally got that silver paint in the mail that those guys in San Francisco use to pose as robots and gather money from tourists. So I geared up, and pretended to be a robot with a large silver sword. Anyway, I would stand on a street completely still while adopting a threatening posture, and when a bunch of tourists would gather around me to wonder why I was not moving, I'd slay them all at once and switch spots. I got too many of them to give you guys a decent body count though, sorry. Besides, I was so tired that I began getting confused about things like whether people I've cut in half should each count as two bodies since technically one would have to make two trips to clean each one of them up off the streets...

Murd0c: i killed someone today
worm3rd: Poser.

Well, I am back from my vacation. I could not use my wireless laptop to post blog entries because I killed the astronauts that were supposed to be maintaining the satellite in charge of transmitting the frequencies I required or some crap like that. I guess I messed myself over. Ugh.

I went on a short vacation. I set up a tent, made shish-kebobs and drank wine, sniping hot air balloons every now and then. I think I sniped at least thirty hot air balloons.

I went to the zoo with some thermit-filled detonators which I used to free the lions.

I was hiding in the bushes looking for prey this morning, when I spotted a tour guide for the area that has a big cliff that tourists like to stand on the edge of and look from. This gave me a great idea, so I killed the tour guide without spilling any blood and dressed up in his uniform. I then proceeded to obtain a group of tourists and lead them to the cliff, feeding them made-up facts that most Americans are more than happy to accept as truth anyway. One of them got slightly skeptical when I stated that the canyon was created by the wrath of Futsu-Nushi, the Japanese God of fire and lightning, but his attention was quickly turned by a discussion of some "Jerry's Pringles" or something or other that was initiated by some improperly fed women who seemed to be acquaintances of his.

Anyway, onto the kill. I told them that my Native American ancestors (at this point the aforementioned guy pointed out to me that I did not look very Native American and I pointed out to him that he should shut up) used to gather on this cliff and hold hands and close their eyes in silence for a minute every morning, and I urged the group to do the same. As expected, they all sheepishly complied, with the annoying guy being at the center of the group. After about 20 seconds of silence, I kicked him in the spine as hard as I could, causing all of them to fall off the cliff because the people who were already falling (and I guess never took physics) clung onto the hands of those who weren't yet falling. I looked down and watched their mangled bodies get thrown around by gravity and then get washed away by water. It was very peaceful.

I was walking in a park again, and I saw about five kids up in a tree. So I climbed the tree also, and they became quiet and stared at me in confusion. I stabbed one, punched another. The other three got into severe panic and fell off the tree, landing head first on some boulders. I think one of them was a mormon.

Someone anonymously posted a complaint that I was supposedly discriminating against a specific religion now simply because I killed them (despite the fact that I've killed many people who did not disclose their religious beliefs to me before death) when they showed up at my door asking for it. So I decided I would take the anonymous person's advice and see how that goes.

I picked up my phone and called up the mormon center and asked them to send a missionary down to my house. They said that they were on short supply in my area because three missionaries had mysteriously disappeared. I assured them that they will automatically revive in three days or so and not to worry about it, and to send me some missionaries from a nearby county in the meantime. I finally talked them into it.

So the doorbell rang, I opened it, and there stood a missionary. As per anonymous's suggestion, exclaimed I, "I worship Satan! I wish you to be my companion in Hell!" in response to which the missionary simply stood there with his mouth agape. After about thirty seconds if inactivity I decided to give him a fatal punch to the gut and directed him back to his transportation vehicle. I used some social engineering to find out that he died at the hospital several hours later.

I hope you're happy, anonymous.

I was calmly sleeping today, when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it, and before me stood three mormon missionaries. I politely invited them in, asking them to take a seat. Before closing the door I conducted a brief glance outside to see if there was anyone within audible range who needed to be taken care of. There wasn't. I closed the door (my door and windows are pretty close to being soundproof anyway), and shot one of the mormons in the face. The other two just sat there not knowing what to do, so I shot another one in the face. The last one still had no idea how to respond, warranting his face to likewise suffer from a bullet.

Now I have to wait till sometime before the afternoon tomorrow so I can go out into my backyard to shred their bodies with my neighbour's woodchipper.

I went to a 24/7 grocery store where there was no one present except graveyard shift stockers. I picked up a frozen turkey and went isle to isle whacking the workers over the head with it. The conversation would go like this:

Employee [turns around]: "May I help..."
Me: "OH MY GOD is THAT a mouse?"
Employee [looks down]: "What.. Where...."
Me: [Violent Whack Over the Head With Frozen Turkey]
Employee [passes out dead]: "..."

There were 12 stockers and one cashier. I killed the cashier in the same way as I did the stockers, only I had to jump on top of the scanning table first.

I forged some paperwork and got accepted as a substitute for an adult ed class. When I was finally called in, I showed up with four objects: a strong door lock, a three-pronged garden cultivator claw, and two earplugs. Once I took attendance, I locked the door, put in my earplugs, and began scraping the chalkboard. I watched everyone collapse on the floor and beat their heads against solid objects. Whenever a hero tried to run up to me to stop me, I'd whack him or her in the face with the garden claw. After about fifteen minutes, they were all either dead or twitching or completely unconscious. I stopped scraping and walked around whacking them each to ensure complete death. I then broke the window, jumped out, and ran off into the horizon.

It was good weather outside. I bought a squid today, it was about the size of a human head. I went to a rest stop and waited for an opportunity to crawl on the roof of an eighteen-wheeler (yes, I checked to make sure there were no low-clearance bridges ahead). When it was moving at a good 65mph, I crawled to the edge and waited for the best moment to toss the squid at someone's windshield. Ended up hitting a Neon that was trying to pass the truck. It looked like the squid went through the windshield and at the driver, but the car ended up swerving off the road and rolling down a cliff. (Highways which are close to cliffs are the best places to enjoy squid-tossing.)

I was taking an enjoyable walk in the park today, when some guy came up to me and asked if I knew where Main Street was. I punched him in the face and dragged him into the bushes. "What is it you wanted to know again?" I asked. "Main Street... GAA!" he yelled as I kicked him in the ribs. "Main Street?" "Yeah, I'm just looking for d..." at this point I began kicking him in the ribs in a very violent fashion, occasionally punching him in the face while yelling "YOU WANT MAIN STREET? *punch* I'LL GIVE YOU MAIN STREET! *kick* LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS FOR MAIN STREET! *kick* YOU LIKE THAT? *punch* YEAH? *kick* YOU WANT MORE MAIN STREET? *face smash* Wait, what street did you want again, I forgot?" He didn't respond, and I noticed that it was because he was dead, so I left.

The last entry I typed in from a wireless laptop while still at the park. After I escaped the water slides, I went over to that place where three people jump off on a bungee cord and fly above the public. I waited for them to jump, and then I threw a ninja star at the rope. It snapped off, and they fell into the public, dying and taking a bunch of innocent bystanders along with them. I laughed and went home.

I went to an amusement park today, and got into one of those water slide tubes. I stopped somewhere in the middle, and pulled out my sword and sat there decapitating people until I felt it was time to leave. I decapitated nine people.

There was some kind of a running marathon for charity or something, and it spanned over a long enough distance for people to break up and run in groups of a few at a time, or sometimes alone. I hid in the bushes closer to the end of their path, and whenever I saw people running I jumped out and stabbed them in the face and threw their bodies into the ditch behind the bushes, then waited for the others.

I went to a valley girl convention, and it took place on what used to be a golf field, so it was pretty secluded. It didn't feel secluded, because as I walked amongst them I kept hearing loud voices saying stuff like "oh my God Jenny I just got my nails look" "I love Davey so much but he's at his friend's house for the week..." "I totally don't like dogs, they always ruin..." "my mom gave me $500 for shopping but I spent half of it on my hair, I won't have anything to wear to the prom..." "hit me up on AOL instant messenger..." "I can't, my computer has a virus..." "look at that creepy guy with the suitcase..."

After about five minutes of gradual enragement, I walked over to the river, set down my suitcase, pulled out my M249 PARA and opened fire at the crowd. To my amusement, a lot of them began running towards each other, some tripping over others who were still alive and thus making themselves easier targets. There were about 120 valley girls at the convention, and I managed to get most of them. I then set my machine gun back into my water-proof suitcase, jumped into the river and swam away.

I killed a hundred and twenty eight people today.

I decided to hang out with Murd0c again. I told him I could red box any payphone, but he refused to believe me. So we went up to a payphone, I picked up the receiver, and with great force smashed him over the head with it. While he was trying to recover, I wrapped the payphone cable around his neck and began strangling him. He started to struggle, so I had to knee him into the ribs repeatedly. This went on for about two minutes until his attempts to escape gradually weakened and he died. I looked through his pockets and found a box of Altoids. At that moment, some very old lady came up and exclaimed in shock, "What are you doing to that young man?" So I tossed the Altoids at her head and she died.

I killed a biker with a stick today. I was sitting on a sidewalk, and as he was driving by, I jammed the stick into the front wheel, causing the bike to come to an abrupt stop and the biker to fly into the pavement head first. He looked pretty lifeless, but just to make sure I did my job I picked up the bicycle and smashed the guy with it seventeen times.

I was looking at swiss knives at a gas station, when I noticed that a gasoline trucker walked in and gave the clerk something to sign, and went to the bathroom. I didn't hear any jingling keys, so I quickly went outside, and got into his truck. Sure enough, the keys were still in and the engine was on. I backed it up about half a mile, and then held down brake, jammed the gas pedal, aimed it at the gas station, let go of brake and jumped out. The truck accelerated and slammed into the gas pumps, causing a huge explosion and annihilating everyone inside. I am estimating at least ten casualties.

I decided I could use some intercourse, so I went to the usual place I go to when seeking girls who will allow me to kill them after our intimate date - a coffee shop behind a book store. It's relatively easy - I just look for the ones writing senseless poetry, pick whichever one I feel like having, and walk up and say "do you want to have sex and be killed shortly afterwards?" the answer to which is usually "yes."

That is exactly what happened today. We went to her place, had sex, and then I told her to take a bath and I brought her a razor as she was doing that. I suggested that she should cut herself. She hesitated. I sighed, and told her that she was worthless and I had no feelings towards her. So she began bleeding all over and it was nice until the very last minute when she began having second thoughts, so I had to elbow her in the face to make her pass out quicker. As I was about to leave, I heard a knock on the door. I opened it up and saw some emo/grunge looking guy. I asked him who he was, and he said that he was her ex-bandmate or something. I told him that I was a serial murderer and I just killed her and she was bleeding in the bathtab. His response was the best of what his types are known to do - not respond at all. I invited him in, and he walked in like nothing was wrong, but when he saw the open bathroom door and the bathtub filled with blood he began whimpering. I pointed my gun at him and told him to get into the bathtub. Then I knocked him over the head with it and made sure he was unconscious, and left him to drown in blood.

I was carpooling with some people today. It was one of those "get to work together for less money" services or whatever, ran by a private employee of the company that I pretended to be working for. I was in the back on the driver's side, so it was a bit tricky. I knifed the person to my right really quickly so he didn't make a sound. I next wrapped a choking wire around the neck of the lady who was sitting in the front and pointed my gun at the driver and told her to stay calm while I choked the lady to her right who had finally just then had shut up. She kept talking about celebrity rumours the whole way, and it made me feel nauseous after about five minutes. When I was done with her, I reclined her chair and pulled her body into the back, all the while pointing the gun at the driver with my left hand. I then hopped over to the front, shot the driver and pushed her out of the door and hopped into the driver's seat myself. Women shouldn't drive. I then drove the car to a secluded cliff and let it roll itself off. I had to hike all the way back to my place. I got really tired half way, as the sun was very bright, so I pretended to be a hitchhiker and the only thing that pulled over for me was a semi. I didn't feel like dealing with it so I pretended to be dumb and deaf and from Egypt and tried to act like I wanted a ride to Jamaica until the driver finally got scared of me and drove away.

So I basically had to walk home for a good seventeen miles. I am very tired now.

I was riding down in an elevator, and I had to share the cabin with a few really annoying people. First, they asked me what time it was, and then they joined their cacophonous voices together to hum the Macarena. I asked them if they enjoyed life, and they said yes. "Good," I said, "because I take absolutely no pleasure in taking life from those who do not enjoy it." And then I killed them.

Death is everywhere.

I was walking the streets tonight, and saw a couple making out on a bench. I walked up to them and slit their throats with a knife. The second one tried to run but I was much too fast for her.

I kept walking, and then I saw a bum passed out in a corner. So I dragged him over to the road, but he woke up, so I smashed him in the head until he passed out again. I then left him to get killed by traffic. Let someone else get blamed for a change.

Oh, and I almost forgot. Just before I got home, I was crawling roofs and pushed a tourist off the edge. He had a photo camera with him, but it shattered upon impact so I will not be able to develop the pictures. They probably sucked anyway.

I found a way to kill five people at once. What I did was I got a rope and tied a knife to it, and I went into a five-doored room and began spinning very fast. I then asked people who were standing behind the doors to come in and run towards me at the same time. I was spinning really fast, so I'm pretty sure I killed them all simultaneously.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Killer
2. Murderer
3. Deathbringer

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. N/A
2. N/A
3. N/A

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. I am very good at stabbing things with knives.
2. I have excellent marksmanship.
3. My insatiable thirst for blood.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. Sometimes when I am tired, my stabbing precision suffers.
2. I am allergic to albino blood and end up sneezing a lot after killing one.
3. It's hard for me to suppress my demonic laugh, making escape from a massacre difficult at times.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Draconian
2. Badlands
3. Netherworld

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Knights (hard to stab throught the metal)
2. Bullet-proof glass
3. Television (if I stab it and it blows up, I still have not killed anyone and am probably suffering from electrical shock)

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Knife
2. Gun
3. Rope

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Blood-stained t-shirt
2. Pants
3. A belt that doubles as a choking wire

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Burzum
2. Das Ich
3. Goethes Erben

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS:
1. Das Ich - Gottes Tod
2. Goethes Erben - Ich Sah Den Tod Lascheln
3. Burzum - Spell of Destruction

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Quick sex
2. Death
3. Silence

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I like to kill people.
2. I enjoy hugging pink fluffy bunnies.
3. I've ran people over with a car.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. Putting up a decent fight before dying.
2. Being able to accept that after the sex, she will die.
3. Good physical features.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Contemplating murder.
2. Saving ears of more salient victims in my freezer.
3. Looking for suicidal people online.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. To stab someone in the face.
2. SOG37.
3. H1 Hummer with a spiked battlebumper.

THREE CAREERS YOU’RE CONSIDERING/YOU’VE CONSIDERED:
1. Cleaner.
2. Executioner.
3. Exotic dancer.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Sweenland.
2. Chernobyl.
3. Lands with primitive societies where it's easy to commit mass murder and take time to reflect instead of having to flee from police.

THREE KIDS’ NAMES YOU LIKE:
1. Adolph.
2. Stalin.
3. Julius.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Kill everyone.
2. Invent a new gun.
3. Make a music video.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL/BOY:
1. I like to play with sharp objects.
2. I like to drink and play with sharp objects.
3. I hate not playing with sharp objects.

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. Radical Ed
2. Faye Valentine
3. Steve Buscemi

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE STEAL THIS FROM ME:
1. My past victims. (They're dead though.)
2. My current victims. (They're tied up in my basement.)
3. My future victims.

I am very displeased because I will not be able to kill people for a while. I accidently stabbed my hand with a knife in a night manic frenzy (it's a practice that I indulge in every few nights, it consists of frantic screaming and stabbing and shooting of random things). The doctor said I won't be able to stab with that hand for at least a few days. And that was my main stabbing hand. I can't shoot people for a while either. Maybe I'll try kicking them until they die from pain.

I found myself in a subway train with only one other guy present. I stabbed him in the face, forced the doors open while the train was moving, and pushed him out. At the next stop, only one passenger came on. I stabbed him in the face also, but it was my stop so I had to leave him laying there as I ran out. No one saw.

I was walking around a park with my top hat on and a black suit, so I looked very civilised. This lady walked up to me and asked if I wanted to play frisbee with her kid. I agreed, and we threw a frisbee back and forth for a while until she was out of sight (I think she said she needed to make a phone call or something). Then I pretended to drop the frisbee on the ground by accident, and I opened up my suitcase and pulled out a circular saw. I then threw it at the kid and it decapitated him. I was gone before his mother came back. Or she could have been an aunt.